No thanks, well, maybe, yes

Every person has a temperament. The qualities that make up our temperament mingle in unique ways and make each of us different and interesting. It is also what makes living with other people so difficult at times.

I never gave temperament much thought until my first child came along. She was a demanding infant, often crying until I hoisted her into my arms. Many times she would continue her tirade unless I was in constant motion while holding her in my arms. I attempted to use a baby sling to give my arms some relief and to try to get a few things accomplished around the house, but the sling wasn’t good enough. She wanted actual contact with Mom’s arms around her, holding her, or she would let me know LOUDLY about her unhappiness.

Once she got old enough to communicate in methods other than screaming at me, it became quite clear that she was an extremely social being who thrived on human contact – constant human contact. This, in retrospect, was present even at her birth.

My oldest daughter’s outgoing and social nature was (and, at times, still is) overwhelming to me as a new mother. I never have been the life of the party and I’d given birth to a social butterfly. Our needs were in direct conflict. She craved adventure while I’d just as soon stay home and relax in the relative quiet.

In those first months and years we conditioned one another to adapt to the other’s preferences. My daughter would tolerate staying home one day, but the next (even as young as 14 months) she would grab her coat, bring it to me and announce “go!” We’d then hit the park or the stores for some outside stimulation.

When my son came along, I was still unprepared for a child with a different temperament than his sister. I’d adapted, and in truth, come to enjoy getting out a little more often than I would have previously. If I’m to be perfectly honest, my son is a lot like his mother. He prefers to stay a little off from the main action until he gets more comfortable with the people and the surroundings.

Recently I realized that my son has another very classic reaction to things that is clearly related to his temperament. If you ask him something—anything—if he wants to do something fun, go somewhere, eat something, what have you, he will invariably answer in the negative.

Do you want to go outside and play? No.

Do you want to go to the store and buy a new toy? No.

(Do you want a Popsicle? Yes. This is one of the few exceptions.)

Moments later, if you take him at his word and start to put your shoes away because he’s said he doesn’t want to go play at the park, he will fall apart in despair because he does, actually, want to go outside once he’s had a chance to think about it.

I’ll admit when I’d heard the temperament trait “negative first reaction” I was a bit skeptical that there were people who always reacted that way. Now I see that it is not only possible, but also my son is a textbook example.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine called me and asked if I wanted to join her in taking our kids to a local pool.

No, I don’t think so, I heard myself respond without thinking. Once I’d pressed the button to hang up the phone I was already having second thoughts. Maybe we should go swimming. It wouldn’t be that difficult to get us all there. The older two would have a blast.

Then it occurred to me that I, too, have a negative first reaction. So sometimes the temperament doesn’t fall far from the tree.

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PAIIR has an assessment tool that you can use to explore your family’s temperaments. Contact the PAIIR office if you’d like a copy mailed to you.

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Heather is mom to three children (6 years, 4 years, and 3 months).