When Parents Listen

I like to think of myself as a good problem solver. In fact, I think most parents acquire great skills in this area. What I realized, though, is that I used to jump too quickly to solve my children’s problem. I found myself giving advice when what they really wanted was for me to listen. Often there was frustration because I misunderstood the point! I have seen children have meltdowns, walk away in a huff, or simply stop trying to explain their problem because the adult they were talking to “just wasn’t listening”. The parent, in most situations, thought he or she was listening but was actually mostly telling. I have learned to be highly focused on my LISTENING and less focused on my TALKING...reminding myself I have two ears and only one mouth so I should use them proportionately! When I am able to control myself, bite my tongue, and hear the child out I often realize that what the child was saying and what I was hearing were two different things. Also, I find children share more details when I open my ears and close my mouth. I find our conversations much more peaceful and rewarding. Here is an example of a recent experience:

As we were dressing to go play in the fresh October snow my youngest daughter said, “Mom, I am wondering about the angels in the snow.” I immediately thought she meant “snow angels” and was about to go into a descriptive reminder of how best to proceed in achieving the optimum results, but instead I used my #1 listening skill and said, “Tell me more about that.” She then went on to express her concern about the angels in heaven and if they have warm coats and hats and mittens. She wondered if they fly faster to keep warm. She had a lot of questions that I may have never heard if I had jumped in to give a lesson on making snow angels!
Besides better understanding what the child is truly saying, true listening helps to diminish frustration. When a child is upset about something often just acknowledging their feelings (listening skill #2) with, “you seem really sad” or “that must have been disappointing” calms them down. Sometimes that is all they want—they then run off to play again.

When they do want help solving a problem I am amazed at how very young children can come up with really good solutions. When my oldest daughter and son were 3 and 2 we were having nightly arguments about who got to be first going up the stairs. I told them I was worried someone would get hurt racing to get there first and asked them what they thought they could do about the problem (listening skill #3). They talked for a moment and said they decided to “hold hands and go the same speed”. It was a beautiful solution that I would probably not have come up with. We never had another argument about it--children are usually more confident in the solution to their problem and more willing to stick with it when they have come up with it themselves.

When I am really intentional about listening I notice a great improvement in communication. It opens doors because the children feel listened to. Once they feel that I am listening they tell me more about what is on their mind so I can really understand what it is that they are saying. They feel validated and encouraged to take ownership in the problem and it teaches them good listening skills.

Think about your friends who you go to with your problems and frustrations. They are probably not the ones giving you suggestions but rather, the ones who use their ears twice as much as their mouth.

Bobbi Jean is the mother of 5 children, ages 6, 8, 10, 12, and 13. She is a PAIIR educator and is still polishing up her listening skills.

As family traditions go Halloween is one “holiday” that lacked traditions for my family. I am working to change that. No, Halloween isn’t my favorite holiday, however I do recognize it as a time to create great memories with my child and in the future allow my child to dream, pretend, be silly, and enjoy himself.

In the midst of all this I am left thinking about what to let my child be for Halloween. He is a mere 7 months old yet I feel somehow like I am making a statement with his costume. I have decided my son is going to be a caterpillar for Halloween. After all, why not have him dress up as a character from a book? The Very Hungry Caterpillar is one of my favorites, and if you’ve seen my son you know “very hungry” goes right along with his personality. Another reason I chose this costume is because it is non-violent. I believe there is enough violence in the world and children are exposed to too many violent acts as youngsters as it is. For kids, Halloween should be about the magic of pretending, the excitement of putting on a costume and parading around town, not about violence, gore, and death. What non-violent costume will your child be wearing this year?

Jen is the mother to a 6 month old son who has started rolling and creeping. She is un-decorating the house to accommodate his curiosity for all things “off limits”.

Grand Adventures with Dad

After months of "perfection" the baby moon is over. I spent the first 5 months of my son's little life at home doting over him, doing anything and everything for him. My husband looked on as I "taught" him all about changing diapers, feeding, and the importance of reading books everyday to our precious little one. I was after all a trained professional; I teach people about children everyday so my husband trusted every word of what I said... Until I went back to work.

A month ago I returned to the workforce. Albeit, only two nights a week however after 5 months of being at home, two nights a week has been a big deal for me and for my family. The first few nights I would call when I got a chance, "just checking in". My husband would reassure me that everything was alright and I would secretly, anxiously await the end of my class so that I could return home and snuggle my son.

The first weeks were chaotic to say the least. I would return to a house that looked like a tornado had hit-toys, books, diapers both clean and dirty, strewn everywhere- to find my husband and son snuggled up on the couch watching TV. Other nights I waltzed in and my son would still be awake (past his strictly enforced scheduled bed time) jumping happily in his jumper. Once my husband poured milk all over the couch and again all over the floor in a hurried attempt to get a bottle ready for a starved little guy. Each afternoon I dreaded getting ready for work. I feared what I would come home to, and wondered if daddy was reading like he was supposed to and if my son was "alright" while I was gone. Guilt was setting in.

Last night my husband revealed to me that he doesn't believe he has the mother's intuition I have. I reassured him that he always did what was best for he and our son and that so far everything has gone great. Many times in my life I have given this speech to parents much in need of a confidence booster. This time was different. As I recited the phrase, "It might be different than when I am home but..." I paused. It turns out my husband's need for a pick me up was just what I needed to realize that while I am away our son is in the midst of grand adventure with his dad. I am no longer rushing home. No longer fearing what I might find nor annoyed at the tornado I find when I arrive. This week I am taking my time after class, I may even stop somewhere on the way home.

Jen is the mother of a 6-month-old boy and is also a PAIIR Educator.

Observations from a Dad

Somehow, I find myself writing a blog on parenting and after wondering how I got into this mess, I started contemplating what I would write about. I am after all, the Dad. What could I, the Dad have to say on a blog that would provide insight into the world of parenting? To many Dads parenting is a part time job, something we do when we get home from work, or on the weekend when we get done golfing, fishing, or fixing the bathroom shower. We leave the hard stuff to Mom. They figure it out, and tell us what to do and we get it done – usually with duct tape, the kitchen destroyed and pizza delivery involved.

It is easy to take a light-hearted approach to fatherhood and being a Dad. After all, when the kid starts playing football for the NFL – who does he yell “Hi” to: MOM! I sometimes think that as Dads, we get lost in the whole process starting at pregnancy, continuing through the birth and never really recover. The baby showers, the birth, everyone cooing over the baby, through it all we are standing in the corner learning our place in the process; do as asked or this tiny little being will scream for Mom and we will not be trusted to touch the baby again. A friend of mine once commented that he didn’t know what to do with his kids until they were in grade school! I personally found that statement to be incredibly sad for both him and his kids. I think of all the memories I would not have if I didn’t interact with them for the first five years of their lives. I grew up on a farm with a large family; sadly, I don’t remember much about my Dad until I was old enough to start doing chores with him in the barn at age nine or so. I vowed that would not be the case with my kids.

Parenting takes active involvement from both parents. As Dads, don’t stand in the corner and wait to be told. Read the books, ask questions, and be involved. Have conversations about discipline, food and potty training. And most of all, take every moment you can. In business, we often talk about return on investment. In this case, the investment I make every day in time for my kids pays back immediately, and the payback is priceless. We learn about each other, we laugh, we talk and most of all we engage. As they get older, we will continue to find hobbies and activities that we can all enjoy together. And when I have to fix that bathroom shower, I hope one of them is standing by with the duct tape while the other orders a pizza.

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Tim is the father of two kids, an 11 yr old daughter and 13-month-old son. He and his wife recently moved from Rochester to Minneapolis and miss the community and the friends.

Toddler Life Toddler Life Toddler Life

Life with a toddler can be, at times, mind-numbingly repetitive. Toddlers are exploring the world and trying to figure out how things work, over and over again. Did I mention they do things over and over? And over?

My days are filled with following behind D’s messes. Empty toy basket. Mom cleans up. Meanwhile D is pulling books off the shelf. She will sit and flip pages in a few books, the toddle on to the plastic food container drawer. While she is merrily flinging boxes about the kitchen, I restore the bookshelf to order. About the time I finish clearing up the book massacre, D has moved back to the toy basket or on to the box of computer game CDs or the videotape boxes. Lather, rinse, repeat.

You wouldn't think I’d need to workout.

There are times though that the repetitive persistence is endearingly adorable. For example, one day D and I went for a walk. I walked, D rode in her push-car (her first birthday present from her family). I brought along a sport bottle filled with water. The bottle was one I’d bought at the fair, tall with a long straw. I hadn't tried to give D a drink from a straw before, but I did on the walk. She smiled broadly and sipped like a pro.

When we got back to our house she pointed and squawked for me to give her the bottle. When I did she sat on the floor and practiced sip after sip from the straw, beaming proudly between drinks.

My first born, as a toddler, adored the book Moo Baa La La La by Sandra Boynton. Even now I can recite that book word for word because M insisted I read it to her over and over.

My son, as a toddler, enjoyed hearing me sing The Wheels on the Bus repeatedly.

Those repetitions, while somewhat maddening at the time, are some of the sweet things that I’ll remember most about my kids when they are all grown.

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Heather is mom to three children, a second-grader, a Kindergartner and an almost-16-month-old. She thinks one of the best things about being a parent is discovering who her kids really are.