Grand Adventures with Dad

After months of "perfection" the baby moon is over. I spent the first 5 months of my son's little life at home doting over him, doing anything and everything for him. My husband looked on as I "taught" him all about changing diapers, feeding, and the importance of reading books everyday to our precious little one. I was after all a trained professional; I teach people about children everyday so my husband trusted every word of what I said... Until I went back to work.

A month ago I returned to the workforce. Albeit, only two nights a week however after 5 months of being at home, two nights a week has been a big deal for me and for my family. The first few nights I would call when I got a chance, "just checking in". My husband would reassure me that everything was alright and I would secretly, anxiously await the end of my class so that I could return home and snuggle my son.

The first weeks were chaotic to say the least. I would return to a house that looked like a tornado had hit-toys, books, diapers both clean and dirty, strewn everywhere- to find my husband and son snuggled up on the couch watching TV. Other nights I waltzed in and my son would still be awake (past his strictly enforced scheduled bed time) jumping happily in his jumper. Once my husband poured milk all over the couch and again all over the floor in a hurried attempt to get a bottle ready for a starved little guy. Each afternoon I dreaded getting ready for work. I feared what I would come home to, and wondered if daddy was reading like he was supposed to and if my son was "alright" while I was gone. Guilt was setting in.

Last night my husband revealed to me that he doesn't believe he has the mother's intuition I have. I reassured him that he always did what was best for he and our son and that so far everything has gone great. Many times in my life I have given this speech to parents much in need of a confidence booster. This time was different. As I recited the phrase, "It might be different than when I am home but..." I paused. It turns out my husband's need for a pick me up was just what I needed to realize that while I am away our son is in the midst of grand adventure with his dad. I am no longer rushing home. No longer fearing what I might find nor annoyed at the tornado I find when I arrive. This week I am taking my time after class, I may even stop somewhere on the way home.

Jen is the mother of a 6-month-old boy and is also a PAIIR Educator.

Observations from a Dad

Somehow, I find myself writing a blog on parenting and after wondering how I got into this mess, I started contemplating what I would write about. I am after all, the Dad. What could I, the Dad have to say on a blog that would provide insight into the world of parenting? To many Dads parenting is a part time job, something we do when we get home from work, or on the weekend when we get done golfing, fishing, or fixing the bathroom shower. We leave the hard stuff to Mom. They figure it out, and tell us what to do and we get it done – usually with duct tape, the kitchen destroyed and pizza delivery involved.

It is easy to take a light-hearted approach to fatherhood and being a Dad. After all, when the kid starts playing football for the NFL – who does he yell “Hi” to: MOM! I sometimes think that as Dads, we get lost in the whole process starting at pregnancy, continuing through the birth and never really recover. The baby showers, the birth, everyone cooing over the baby, through it all we are standing in the corner learning our place in the process; do as asked or this tiny little being will scream for Mom and we will not be trusted to touch the baby again. A friend of mine once commented that he didn’t know what to do with his kids until they were in grade school! I personally found that statement to be incredibly sad for both him and his kids. I think of all the memories I would not have if I didn’t interact with them for the first five years of their lives. I grew up on a farm with a large family; sadly, I don’t remember much about my Dad until I was old enough to start doing chores with him in the barn at age nine or so. I vowed that would not be the case with my kids.

Parenting takes active involvement from both parents. As Dads, don’t stand in the corner and wait to be told. Read the books, ask questions, and be involved. Have conversations about discipline, food and potty training. And most of all, take every moment you can. In business, we often talk about return on investment. In this case, the investment I make every day in time for my kids pays back immediately, and the payback is priceless. We learn about each other, we laugh, we talk and most of all we engage. As they get older, we will continue to find hobbies and activities that we can all enjoy together. And when I have to fix that bathroom shower, I hope one of them is standing by with the duct tape while the other orders a pizza.

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Tim is the father of two kids, an 11 yr old daughter and 13-month-old son. He and his wife recently moved from Rochester to Minneapolis and miss the community and the friends.

Communication

This is Linda Thomas, a parent educator at PAIIR. I have never “done” a blog before but I am told they are usually casual and conversational. I am not going to start out with any research findings or facts. I am simply going to describe my experience as a parent.

Today I would like to start a conversation about couples and how often they agree or disagree about parenting issues. The reason I am bringing up this issue is because my husband and I are experts at disagreeing about everything that even remotely smacks of parenting. Although this man and I manage to agree on many other things and have similar backgrounds and values, our success at parenting together has been uneven at best!

In our household it has been the exception rather than the rule when we agree on how to parent our son. As so often happens, we tend to take totally different roads to success. When my husband wants to take a firm stand, I want to ease up. When my husband thinks something our son is doing is “not a big deal”, I am usually blowing a gasket.

A sampling of things we’ve not agreed upon are how to handle our son’s tantrums at age 18 months and how much allowance to give him when he was 10. Then there was the question of too many or too few chores and whether to pay him for them or not and then how often he could hang out with friends during his teen years, whether he should work a lot of hours during his last two years of high school- how often could he take the car and when did he need to be home?

And when he went to college- how much of his expenses should he pay for out of his own pocket. You see, my husband grew up in a strict home and I grew up in a permissive one. Both of us feel our parents raised us to be responsible, caring people but the rules and how they were carried out were just plain different.

Our son has “turned out okay” in spite of our best efforts to confuse him!

Okay, now for a sound bite from parenting expert and author Dr. Judith Siegel, Associate professor , New York University School of Social Work. “Options and flexibility are two key ingredients for any relationship.” But sometimes, each parent is so convinced they are right that they forget to be flexible. Parents want what’s best for their children. They want to do the right things, and sometimes dads and moms argue angrily as they try to convince each other that their own viewpoint on parenting is best. “Most parents are really passionate about parenting…your passion comes out of your love for your child,” says Dr. Siegel.

So now its your turn PAIIR parents- what parenting issues turn your relationship inside-out and how have you resolved your differing viewpoints? I hope to hear from you all soon.

…Linda