Say hello but don’t get too close!

Today I had another parent ask me when its time to talk to your kids about stranger safety. I know from reading about the subject that the whole stranger safety campaign has been basically unsuccessful. It has succeeded in scaring the heck out of parents and studies show that kids will typically go with a stranger anyway if that person promises a puppy, says they need help or any other number of lures a creative, determined mind can generate.

Then there is the fact that most abductions or inappropriate touching of children is done by people who are not strangers- but family members or close friends. I often suggest to parents to teach their children that the parts of their bodies that are covered by underwear or bathing suits are private- and that you calmly teach them that its only mommy’s (or daddy’s , or the doctor’s or whoever is deemed a safe adult by the parent) job to take care of the private parts of their bodies.

This is such an important subject but I get sad when I know parents are worrying about their children in their own back (fenced-in) yard. I want to see a different world with kids feeling free to say hello to other people in the store and feeling safe walking down the block to their neighbor’s house. But children need to learn limits as well- like staying by dad’s side in a crowded place or not going through doors or into elevators without parents close by. How can kids become independent if parents have to hover?

Please weigh in on this topic.

Linda Thomas/PAIIR

Hot and Bothered

Somebody help! I remember crawling down the hallway practicing a fire escape plan with my son when he was little. Nowadays, the escape plan for my husband and I consists of a rope tied to the foot of our iron bed. Apparently we think we can rappel down the side of our two-story to the ground in the event of a fire-(read fear and chaos).

Once when our son was young and we tried to "escape" to the basement during bad weather we had to pry him out of his bed because he was so terrified. What would he have done in a fire?

What have others been told, practiced, prepared for or actually experienced when it comes to a house fire? I know many families with young children visit the fire station during fire safety week but how many can look those firemen in the eyes and tell them they have an escape plan that they have practiced? Let me know, what makes families actually make a fire escape plan and then practice it together? Does it take a personal "near miss"?

Linda Thomas/PAIIR

It's there if you take time to notice...

I recently took an infant class and was reminded by another participant to slow down and see the beauty in my child growing and changing each day. It’s a simple concept that requires little elaboration, rather reflection as to how you can selectively remove daily distractions to provide you with more time to slow down and really enjoy the mystifying beauty that lies within your child. What distractions are you dismissing in order to spend more time with your little ones? What have you been completely amazed by when you took the time to notice?


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Jen Skrukrud is a mother to an 8 month old man-on-the-move. She is savoring the snuggle time she has with her son each day.

Uses for a Kitchen Timer Outside of the Kitchen

My boy used to be a prune. Or at least he often looked like one when he was little. It's because I often misplaced the timer I used to signal it was time to get out of the tub. He refused to get out without it. I finally resorted to ringing the door bell. I know…I know! The timer worked like a charm when I could find it.

I was (and still can be…) organizationally challenged as well as a bit lax on my ability to be firm about some things -like ending tub time (Hey-I could flip through magazines while he bathed so I liked him a little pruney!)

The timer also worked well to announce “toy pick-up time” before we had snack in the afternoon. So now I am wondering in what ways have others used the timer to manage their kid’s behaviors? The digital ones they have now are so slick we have multiples at home. I use them to signal to my husband that it’s time for him to make dinner, it’s time for him to buy me chocolate, its time……

Linda Thomas/PAIIR

When Parents Listen

I like to think of myself as a good problem solver. In fact, I think most parents acquire great skills in this area. What I realized, though, is that I used to jump too quickly to solve my children’s problem. I found myself giving advice when what they really wanted was for me to listen. Often there was frustration because I misunderstood the point! I have seen children have meltdowns, walk away in a huff, or simply stop trying to explain their problem because the adult they were talking to “just wasn’t listening”. The parent, in most situations, thought he or she was listening but was actually mostly telling. I have learned to be highly focused on my LISTENING and less focused on my TALKING...reminding myself I have two ears and only one mouth so I should use them proportionately! When I am able to control myself, bite my tongue, and hear the child out I often realize that what the child was saying and what I was hearing were two different things. Also, I find children share more details when I open my ears and close my mouth. I find our conversations much more peaceful and rewarding. Here is an example of a recent experience:

As we were dressing to go play in the fresh October snow my youngest daughter said, “Mom, I am wondering about the angels in the snow.” I immediately thought she meant “snow angels” and was about to go into a descriptive reminder of how best to proceed in achieving the optimum results, but instead I used my #1 listening skill and said, “Tell me more about that.” She then went on to express her concern about the angels in heaven and if they have warm coats and hats and mittens. She wondered if they fly faster to keep warm. She had a lot of questions that I may have never heard if I had jumped in to give a lesson on making snow angels!
Besides better understanding what the child is truly saying, true listening helps to diminish frustration. When a child is upset about something often just acknowledging their feelings (listening skill #2) with, “you seem really sad” or “that must have been disappointing” calms them down. Sometimes that is all they want—they then run off to play again.

When they do want help solving a problem I am amazed at how very young children can come up with really good solutions. When my oldest daughter and son were 3 and 2 we were having nightly arguments about who got to be first going up the stairs. I told them I was worried someone would get hurt racing to get there first and asked them what they thought they could do about the problem (listening skill #3). They talked for a moment and said they decided to “hold hands and go the same speed”. It was a beautiful solution that I would probably not have come up with. We never had another argument about it--children are usually more confident in the solution to their problem and more willing to stick with it when they have come up with it themselves.

When I am really intentional about listening I notice a great improvement in communication. It opens doors because the children feel listened to. Once they feel that I am listening they tell me more about what is on their mind so I can really understand what it is that they are saying. They feel validated and encouraged to take ownership in the problem and it teaches them good listening skills.

Think about your friends who you go to with your problems and frustrations. They are probably not the ones giving you suggestions but rather, the ones who use their ears twice as much as their mouth.

Bobbi Jean is the mother of 5 children, ages 6, 8, 10, 12, and 13. She is a PAIIR educator and is still polishing up her listening skills.