Communication
This is Linda Thomas, a parent educator at PAIIR. I have never “done” a blog before but I am told they are usually casual and conversational. I am not going to start out with any research findings or facts. I am simply going to describe my experience as a parent.
Today I would like to start a conversation about couples and how often they agree or disagree about parenting issues. The reason I am bringing up this issue is because my husband and I are experts at disagreeing about everything that even remotely smacks of parenting. Although this man and I manage to agree on many other things and have similar backgrounds and values, our success at parenting together has been uneven at best!
In our household it has been the exception rather than the rule when we agree on how to parent our son. As so often happens, we tend to take totally different roads to success. When my husband wants to take a firm stand, I want to ease up. When my husband thinks something our son is doing is “not a big deal”, I am usually blowing a gasket.
A sampling of things we’ve not agreed upon are how to handle our son’s tantrums at age 18 months and how much allowance to give him when he was 10. Then there was the question of too many or too few chores and whether to pay him for them or not and then how often he could hang out with friends during his teen years, whether he should work a lot of hours during his last two years of high school- how often could he take the car and when did he need to be home?
And when he went to college- how much of his expenses should he pay for out of his own pocket. You see, my husband grew up in a strict home and I grew up in a permissive one. Both of us feel our parents raised us to be responsible, caring people but the rules and how they were carried out were just plain different.
Our son has “turned out okay” in spite of our best efforts to confuse him!
Okay, now for a sound bite from parenting expert and author Dr. Judith Siegel, Associate professor , New York University School of Social Work. “Options and flexibility are two key ingredients for any relationship.” But sometimes, each parent is so convinced they are right that they forget to be flexible. Parents want what’s best for their children. They want to do the right things, and sometimes dads and moms argue angrily as they try to convince each other that their own viewpoint on parenting is best. “Most parents are really passionate about parenting…your passion comes out of your love for your child,” says Dr. Siegel.
So now its your turn PAIIR parents- what parenting issues turn your relationship inside-out and how have you resolved your differing viewpoints? I hope to hear from you all soon.
…Linda
4 comments:
This is refreshing to read, that it is possible to remain married and raise "good" kids, even while disagreeing about parenting.
My husband and I often disagree on parenting issues, and it has been a big stressor in our marriage. I tend to be stubborn about my way being the right way, since I am the one who attends PAIIR classes, reads parenting articles, etc. I absolutely want him to be an involved father, but I often find myself criticizing his parenting, which causes him to pull away. On the other hand, if I bite my tongue and let him handle things his way, it negatively affects our relationship as a couple. It is a difficult balance.
You are so right mamaduck- sometimes you get what you wish for- but if your goals are the same is it a problem if you take different routes? As long as your husband is respectful, loving and doing no harm, will it matter? Sometimes you have to drop the ball to allow someone else to pick it up! Letting go of control is the hardest part at times.
The art of compromise is being refined thanks to the topic of allowence in our house.
Before this was brought to the table I would call our living environment comfortable even serene at times. Now Fridays (pay day) are an ongoing battle. The kids look forward to it but, the amount per child is unsettled with my husband.
I feel that the older child should naturally recieve more however Chrises view is that our younger child "helps" more therefore should obtain more compensation. Being a PAIIR goer I have been educated that younger children cannot handle money with the same amount of responsibility as an older child (i.e. ripping, loosing, mishandling) so that makes me right, right?
I have to agree with what you quoted in your article Linda, I think that having options (because all children are different and discipline will vary even from child to child) and flexibility are both very important. As long as you are able to sit down, sans kids, and share your views with each other (if you are both flying on separate parenting pages, or even if you are on the same page). As hard as it is to do, in order to NOT send mixed messages to your children you sometimes you have to bite your tongue if your spouse is offering your overtired, up way past bedtime, tantruming 2yr old a candy bar as incentive to "chill out" (hypothetically speaking). I say, 3 deep breaths, eat a candy bar for yourself, then sit down with your hubby and go over why a candy bar at 11pm is not a good idea (stress..for the 2 year old).
I think that sometimes, we tend to be so stubborn in our own thinking as parents that it's hard to allow anyone with a different view to shed a little light, even if that is a spouse. So keeping an open mind is very important, you just might find yourself saying...gasp...you know, I think you're right. Perhaps, being blessed with spouses who share a different view on parenting allows us to always keep our minds open to the ever changing ideas on child-rearing. Could you imagine? We'd all still be rubbing whiskey on our babies' teething gums, letting our children roam around the car as we trucked our way down the highway and feeding our babies solids as soon as they go the clear to head home from the hospital. Thank goodness for change, and thank goodness for who questioned enough and for those who kept their minds open.
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