I like to think of myself as a good problem solver. In fact, I think most parents acquire great skills in this area. What I realized, though, is that I used to jump too quickly to solve my children’s problem. I found myself giving advice when what they really wanted was for me to listen. Often there was frustration because I misunderstood the point! I have seen children have meltdowns, walk away in a huff, or simply stop trying to explain their problem because the adult they were talking to “just wasn’t listening”. The parent, in most situations, thought he or she was listening but was actually mostly telling. I have learned to be highly focused on my LISTENING and less focused on my TALKING...reminding myself I have two ears and only one mouth so I should use them proportionately! When I am able to control myself, bite my tongue, and hear the child out I often realize that what the child was saying and what I was hearing were two different things. Also, I find children share more details when I open my ears and close my mouth. I find our conversations much more peaceful and rewarding. Here is an example of a recent experience:
As we were dressing to go play in the fresh October snow my youngest daughter said, “Mom, I am wondering about the angels in the snow.” I immediately thought she meant “snow angels” and was about to go into a descriptive reminder of how best to proceed in achieving the optimum results, but instead I used my #1 listening skill and said, “Tell me more about that.” She then went on to express her concern about the angels in heaven and if they have warm coats and hats and mittens. She wondered if they fly faster to keep warm. She had a lot of questions that I may have never heard if I had jumped in to give a lesson on making snow angels!
Besides better understanding what the child is truly saying, true listening helps to diminish frustration. When a child is upset about something often just acknowledging their feelings (listening skill #2) with, “you seem really sad” or “that must have been disappointing” calms them down. Sometimes that is all they want—they then run off to play again.
When they do want help solving a problem I am amazed at how very young children can come up with really good solutions. When my oldest daughter and son were 3 and 2 we were having nightly arguments about who got to be first going up the stairs. I told them I was worried someone would get hurt racing to get there first and asked them what they thought they could do about the problem (listening skill #3). They talked for a moment and said they decided to “hold hands and go the same speed”. It was a beautiful solution that I would probably not have come up with. We never had another argument about it--children are usually more confident in the solution to their problem and more willing to stick with it when they have come up with it themselves.
When I am really intentional about listening I notice a great improvement in communication. It opens doors because the children feel listened to. Once they feel that I am listening they tell me more about what is on their mind so I can really understand what it is that they are saying. They feel validated and encouraged to take ownership in the problem and it teaches them good listening skills.
Think about your friends who you go to with your problems and frustrations. They are probably not the ones giving you suggestions but rather, the ones who use their ears twice as much as their mouth.
Bobbi Jean is the mother of 5 children, ages 6, 8, 10, 12, and 13. She is a PAIIR educator and is still polishing up her listening skills.
