Competing

People, by nature, are competitive. Or perhaps I should qualify that statement and say American people are competitive.

Even armed with that knowledge, I was unprepared for the competition that is motherhood. It's a mostly subtle, unspoken battle that often begins as soon as you reveal a pregnancy. Oh? Wow, you're big! or Hmmm. You're so small. Even Are you sure it isn't twins? Other people will delve into what you're putting in your body. I wouldn't eat peanut butter...hot dogs...drink diet pop or caffeinated drinks.

Don't even get me started on the childbirth competition. Long labor, short labor, drugs, drug-free, Cesarean, upside-down.

It honestly took me until my second child was at least 9 months old before I realized I was probably doing just fine as a mom. The majority of the things that it feels like a competition about with regard to my children are out of my control anyway.

My daughter didn't get any teeth for 9 months. She wouldn't nurse. She only crawled on all-fours for about 2 weeks. Before that, she maneuvered herself by pulling herself along with only her arms. She didn't consistently use the potty until shortly after her third birthday.

All the while that I was mentally charting the areas my daughter lagged behind her peers, however, I was also taking note of the areas in which she was excelling. Her pincer grasp was fully developed by 6 months. She was using baby signs by 7 months. She was stringing 2 and 3 words together by 15 months. She completed 60-plus piece puzzles by herself at 3 years old and was completely night-time potty trained by 3 and a half (I can count the times she's had an accident on one hand.) She seemed to innately know how to be a good friend.

I realized that each child does things at her own pace, on her own timetable. Where some leap ahead in one area, others will excel in another area.

That's not to say that I don't still feel that competitive spirit. It still edges into my proud mother psyche.

I sit in a PAIIR class and hear of children who are potty trained at 2 or reading by 3 and remain silent because my son does none of these things. I want to take him home and give him a pep-talk. You can do it! I'd say and try to make him catch up to these other kids.

But I never do. Because I know he'll do it all.

When he's good and ready.

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Heather is mom to 2 children, a daughter who is 5 and a son who is 3. She's been attending PAIIR classes since her first child was 3 months old. She's currently in the process of growing another child so she can continue to attend PAIIR classes until 2013.

Communication

This is Linda Thomas, a parent educator at PAIIR. I have never “done” a blog before but I am told they are usually casual and conversational. I am not going to start out with any research findings or facts. I am simply going to describe my experience as a parent.

Today I would like to start a conversation about couples and how often they agree or disagree about parenting issues. The reason I am bringing up this issue is because my husband and I are experts at disagreeing about everything that even remotely smacks of parenting. Although this man and I manage to agree on many other things and have similar backgrounds and values, our success at parenting together has been uneven at best!

In our household it has been the exception rather than the rule when we agree on how to parent our son. As so often happens, we tend to take totally different roads to success. When my husband wants to take a firm stand, I want to ease up. When my husband thinks something our son is doing is “not a big deal”, I am usually blowing a gasket.

A sampling of things we’ve not agreed upon are how to handle our son’s tantrums at age 18 months and how much allowance to give him when he was 10. Then there was the question of too many or too few chores and whether to pay him for them or not and then how often he could hang out with friends during his teen years, whether he should work a lot of hours during his last two years of high school- how often could he take the car and when did he need to be home?

And when he went to college- how much of his expenses should he pay for out of his own pocket. You see, my husband grew up in a strict home and I grew up in a permissive one. Both of us feel our parents raised us to be responsible, caring people but the rules and how they were carried out were just plain different.

Our son has “turned out okay” in spite of our best efforts to confuse him!

Okay, now for a sound bite from parenting expert and author Dr. Judith Siegel, Associate professor , New York University School of Social Work. “Options and flexibility are two key ingredients for any relationship.” But sometimes, each parent is so convinced they are right that they forget to be flexible. Parents want what’s best for their children. They want to do the right things, and sometimes dads and moms argue angrily as they try to convince each other that their own viewpoint on parenting is best. “Most parents are really passionate about parenting…your passion comes out of your love for your child,” says Dr. Siegel.

So now its your turn PAIIR parents- what parenting issues turn your relationship inside-out and how have you resolved your differing viewpoints? I hope to hear from you all soon.

…Linda